Monday, April 25, 2016

I Hate This Day...

Hi Daddy,
I miss you! I have every day since you left. Somedays it is easier, somedays are worse. This day..this day will always suck. This day will never be easy. 

2 years now! 2 years since I last heard your voice. How can 2 years pass by so fast? How does it still feel like you are with me? It still feels like you are only a phone call away. 

It hurts my heart every time I think about it. You were the one who always knew what to do. You were the one who never judged me for the decisions I made. 

I wish so badly I could see your face again. I wish so badly that I could hug you again. I wish you could come visit. Do you think you can arrange that? 

I know I will see you again. I know that you are happy. I know that you are healthy and you feel better than you did down here. I know that you are watching over me.

Looking up at the stars at night remind me that you are there. They remind me that you want nothing but the best for me. They remind me that you are always with me and will listen if you I need. gonna suck. gonna drain me. gonna be hard. But you would not want that. You would want me happy, smiling, and not worrying about you. 

Well daddy,  I'm gonna miss you. I'm probably gonna cry. I'm probably gonna have moments of zoning out. I'm probably gonna have a couple moments where I just break. 

You don't want that, but daddy I'm not as strong as you were.  I'm your daughter, and I try to be strong. But when I don't have my daddy physically with me, it gets hard. 

It gets hard to face the world. I'm doing it. I'm making it. But I do wish you were here. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Cause I am so happy you are feeling better.

I guess I'm just trying to let you know that I miss you. That you are my daddy and always will be. Thank you for teaching me some of the most important lessons of life.

Thank you for never raising your voice at me, even though God knows I deserved it. You always treated me with love and compassion. You always believed that I had a reason for my decisions.

You would always listen to my side before you even started to talk. You always would make sure that I knew you loved me, even when we disagreed.

We had 1 fight that I can remember. Only 1. I ran away. Which was resolved by you calling me crying because you felt so bad for raising your voice at me and you didn't want me out of your life.

Daddy, you were an incredible father.

I could not have asked for a better man in my life. I will always remember going to ball games and just sitting while you were the umpire. All I wanted was to be anywhere but there.

But I went, and I usually was running around the park somewhere and after we would always go get ice cream. Ice cream....Maybe that is where I got my "addiction" to ice cream.

I will always remember those ice cream trips after dance too. When mom specifically said "Don't go get ice cream tonight" we always did :) always.

You came to every single competition of mine. You never missed one. Even though it meant sitting in an auditorium all friday, saturday, and sunday...for seven 3 minute dances. You were there.

You were my biggest fan. My biggest supporter. You were my best friend. Maybe not growing up...I'd be crazy to say there weren't days I hated you, or days we disagreed, or days where I wanted to leave.

Those days were there. But looking back - I can see everything you did for me. You put me before you...every second of every day. You never hesitated. You never asked anything in return from me.

You just let me do what I thought was right, and you were right behind me cleaning up my mess. and trying to teach me along the way - even though I wouldn't listen.

You used to sit outside the studio forever. Class was done at 9. I was always the last one out of the studio, because I didnt want to leave. You would sit there patiently till 915, 930, 945....

When I came out you would simply ask "How did it go?" to which I usually would just respond "Good" and you would respond with "Good. I'm Glad"

Daddy!! I want you back...but I know that isn't going to happen. I know that no matter how much I beg, cry, wont happen. So I have to learn to adapt.

I will never forget you or the things you did for me. You were an angel on this earth. Any chance I get, I share a story about you. Because you were amazing.

I'm trying to feel better daddy. You would want that. I am trying to live my life to make you happy. I am trying to live in such a way that people say "Your parents must be amazing people"

To which I always respond, "Yes. They are" I always use present tense. Why? Because even though you aren't here anymore you are still part of me. You are still alive in my heart.

You are still my father and you are an amazing person. I have told many people "I wish you could meet my dad. He would have loved you and you would have loved him" 

"He would have welcomed you with open arms" "He could talk your ear off with story after story" "He gave the best hugs and the best advice"

Daddy. If anyone ever offers you a free pass back, I would love to see you again. I would love to be able to see you smile. Your eyes....oh your eyes. You could see the pride and love in them.

You loved everyone unconditionally. There was no debate on that. There was never any doubt. I have your eyes. I look a lot like you, every one has always said it. I now take it as a compliment.

I am probably the only one who cares enough to write/read this much...well and mom :) and honestly that is ok with me. I know how incredible you were. I never want to forget that. 

Someday I hope and pray this will get easier. But on the other hand - I hope it never does. It shows me that you have a huge place in my heart. That place is a hole now, where only your memories are.

And I don't ever want that hole to heal. I want the pain to go away, but if that means the memories go too...then I will deal with the pain. Those are memories I will cherish forever.

I love you daddy. I will always love you. You will always have a place in my heart.

2 years of missing you.
Love, your baby girl.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

.....1 year...same hard feelings

Post from last year....My Beloved Daddy - April 25, 2014

Can you hear me?
It's your baby girl here.
I just want to talk to you one more time.
I want to kiss your cheek again and hear you say "I love you and am so proud"
I want to hear you tell me everything will be ok....
...cause daddy, I don't believe it when I tell it to myself.
It's been a hard year and all I want is to see your face again and not only in a picture.

Has it already been a year? 
How has a year passed since I have heard your voice?
It feels like just yesterday you were here with us.
It feels like just yesterday you were laughing with us and laughing at us.
It also like just yesterday that my heart was ripped out of my chest.
It feels like yesterday...was the day that I had dreaded my entire life.
It feels like yesterday when I felt like I was being stabbed in the gut over and over.
It feels like yesterday when I cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life....
....I wasn't sure I would ever be able to stop crying.
It feels like yesterday when my legs stopped holding me up, leaving me on the concrete sobbing.
It feels like yesterday when all I did was scream and say "no" cause it was all that would come out.
Yesterday...when I was on the ground and all I could do was look at the sky, hoping you were there.
It feels like yesterday when I cried for days.
Consecutive days of bloodshot eyes and feeling like someone poured a bag of sand in my eyes.
It will always feel like just yesterday.

I wish I could say missing you has gotten easier.
It hasn't...
 - But missing you....reminds me that I have someone amazing to miss.
I wish I could say that the pain has gotten better.
It hasn't...
- But, I have just learned to live with it

Sometimes, I like to pretend you are still here. 
That you are still only a phone call away. 
That if I were to call you crying, you would know just what to say to stop my tears.
That the next time I went home, I could run into your arms and I would get the biggest bear hug.
That you would listen to me for hours because you are so excited to hear about my life adventures.
But, you aren't here. 
No matter how much I try to pretend you are....
nothing can change that. 
Nothing can bring you back...and that hurts
That hurts more than I could have ever imagined anything hurting.

I know you wouldn't want to see me hurting. 
I know you wouldn't want to see any of us hurting.
But we do daddy. 
We hurt every day.
We hurt because we lost our friend, our confidant, our buddy, our example...our father.
And I KNOW for a fact that I am not only referring to myself.

Now, please daddy.
Don't feel bad.
It was your time.
You had lived an amazing life.
You inspired so many people.
You saved so many lives, most I'm sure we don't even know about.
All the classes you taught...and taught students to be better people
All the Driver's ED classes you went and talked to about organ donation...and inspired them.
All the people you befriended.....who knows the differences you made in their lives.

We know you were rolling in your grave when we had a memorial for you.
You were always selfless and never wanted any recognition for anything.
However, if you could have seen the amount of people....
The amount of people whose lives you touched
The amount of people who we didn't even know, that had to introduce themselves to us
The amount of people who had nothing but incredible stories about you
The amount of people that we hadn't seen in years, they still thought I should be a baby :)
The amount of people who had no clue who WE were, but came because they loved YOU.

The amount of people was incredible dad.
It was one of the most humbling nights of my life.
The line of people was so long. 
People lined the halls of the building....
then had to continue the line outside in the rain cause there were so many people. 
Just to tell us "I'm so Sorry. He was a great man!"
The rain dad....
If you were there, you would have told them to all go home.
That you didn't need all this attention 
We stood in line the whole 2 1/2 another 30 minutes after it was supposed to have ended.

That was all you, Dad! 
Those were all the lives you touched...
and there were so many more that could not come.

How has a year passed?
It passed in a blink of an eye.
I guess I should consider myself lucky because I have so many amazing memories of you.
So many memories that make it impossible to forget you.

I think I like it better that way...
Better that I can't forget you.
Even though I still hurt.....everyday.
Even though I still wish I could hear your voice again.
I can't.
But I can remember everything that you have taught me.
Everything that you ever said to me.
I cherish my most prized possessions because I know I will not be able to hear you again.

Now Daddy
Please know that your baby girl still misses you incredibly.
I try to be the tough, strong girl you raised me to be.
But sometimes its hard.
Sometimes....I start to think 
"Why Me?"
Then it must be you who stops me and says
"Why you? Stop being selfish and look at the great life you have.
Look around yourself at all the beauty.
Stop thinking that life is horrible because I am gone.
Start thinking of how amazing it is because I had lived
Start thinking how amazing it is that you are alive"

I know I can always talk to you.
I frequently do.
But it is just different.
Not hearing you talk back to me.
But....I know you really do hear me
I know you are doing the best that you can to comfort us
I know that you are always by my side
Actually your probably behind me - pushing me along to keep me moving.

Just know that I miss you Daddy.
I miss you so much.
So much that I could never put it into words.
Please don't ever forget me.
Love, your baby girl

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Sleeping Beauty

This past weekend one of the studios I teach at had their spring show "Sleeping Beauty". It was gorgeous and it is so amazing to be able to watch your students share their talents with others. It is an amazing experience to watch all your hard work come alive onstage. I love them all and look forward to all their future shows. I am so proud of each and every one of them. enjoy the photos! :)

Ms Jennifer in her get up for Carabosse

All my Level 2/3 dancers minus 1, the little kittens with Puss in Boots

My Level 1 dancers minus 1 - flowers with Red Riding Hood and the Wolf

With the lovely Erin - my Vitality Fairy

Heylie - Aurora

Miss Giselle - my wonderful 2/3 assistant and wolf!! And photobombed by the Megans and Savannah

All 6 of the gift fairies - 4 of the 6 were the fairies that I staged
Andrea, Maya, Erin, Megan (Savannah Photobombing again), Me, Mollie, Lora

There always must be a slogan

With Ms Jennifer as Carabosse

Fairy Corps on Stage

our "BT" Matching Shirts - Becca, Savannah, Me, Erin, Megan N

Profile Shot ;)

Love These Ladies

Andrea - my Purity Fairy

Megan - My Canary Fairy

Mollie - My Breadcrumb Fairy

Miss Savannah

Giselle, Me and Natalie
Wolf and Red Riding Hood

Just taking a little break....
Andrea, Sarah, Jestin, Faith

With Miss Lora - Passion Fairy & Sapphire Fairy

The Whole Fairy Corps - I love them all to pieces!

David "Doc" Brown

As if this year has not been hard enough for us yet - last Sunday Tom got a call saying his Best Friend, who now lives in Arkansas, was involved in a vehicle accident and had life-threatening injuries. We found out that no more than 24 hours later Doc had passed. In April it was me with my dad, and in May it was him with his friend. It never gets easier no matter who it is.

Doc was Tom's Partner-in-crime. Tom will probably hate me for writing this, because right now he is on his way to Tennessee for the Service. But someday he will thank me for it.
But Doc was such an influential person in both of our lives that I think he deserves a little recognition. Doc was one of the sweetest men you would ever have the chance of meeting. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need. He didn't even need to know you before he would give it to you and he had no expectation of ever getting it back. The world will never be as good without Doc here. Tom met him while he was in Alaska and anytime I went up to Alaska we would always do something with Doc.

I have so many great memories of him. He was an amazing cook - I will always be jealous of his beef stroganoff. There was one night we spend 4 hours taping up zombie targets to his open dryer and shooting BBs into his dryer because we didn't want to damage the walls. Or the night we stayed up till 5am playing Castle Crashers on his XBOX 360, or the many times we went offroading with him. I remember being there the first time Tom and Doc shot off their homemade cannon on the Knik Glacier. I remember seeing the joy in his eyes all the time.

"Roc Doc" was an amazing man and he will greatly be missed by many people.

News Article about Doc's Accident